Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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