i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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