too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
