I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
