Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
