Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
