If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
