he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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