somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
