I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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