i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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