toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
