My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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