If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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