the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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