Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
