The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
