Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
