HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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