Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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