we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Who died my cat blue again?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
