Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
