he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
