She's JV to your varsity
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
