help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just found puke in my bra..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
