my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
