I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How external is "for external use only"?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
