I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
