I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
