Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
