do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
