god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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