When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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