Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
