matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
