all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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