It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
