I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
