I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
