**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
