please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
