You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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