Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
