Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
