Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
