You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
