i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
