True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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