this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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