There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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