so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
