I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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