No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
