I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's no shave November. This is our time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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