Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
