i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
