I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
