I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
