even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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