Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
