He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She's the barista slut.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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